The day that changed the course of my life

How to heal from tragedy

Fifteen years ago on memorial day I gave birth to a baby girl. Her hair the color of a sunset the moment before it disappears on the horizon. She was a few days over due and almost nine pounds. I packed my favorite baby onesie for the hospital. Part of my nesting ritual was picking out handmade baby stuff on Etsy.

Twelve hours after she was born, they took her out of my arms. They performed a routine oxygen test and discovered hers was alarmingly low. Eight hours after that a doctor on call who didn’t know much about heart conditions apologized to us because he had “devastating” news. She was missing a chamber of her heart.

It was 21 days until I was able to put that onesie on her. I had to go home every day and stare at her bassinet where little paper swallows made out of damask print I made floated above it - completely terrified she would never lie beneath them. Those 21 days broke my husband and I. But the beautiful thing was how we put ourselves back together. How we learned to cope with fear of the unknown. It takes practice to be present and tune out the what-ifs.

I see these things happen to people around me. All the time. A cancer diagnosis. Time spent in a mental health facility. A sudden death of a loved one. Life. All around us. Sometimes it dodges us and we look on from the sidelines. But sometimes it crashes right into us. We walk along the road hoping to find all the pieces so we can glue them together again. Though the scars always remain.

Some people drink. A lot. Some smoke weed. Some become quiet and distant. Some drown. Some pick up a pen and write. Others a pencil and draw. Some put their hands in the dirt and plant a garden. Some make music. Sometimes we do a mixture of whatever we need to survive until time gives us perspective.

The best art comes from a place of truth that resonates with those who find it. Because we all hold secrets of what ails us and a lot of us don’t share it. We grew up in a world where people hid their illnesses or misfortunes. The thing we didn’t realize is that it is what binds us all together. Sharing these things is what makes us feel less alone. And creating something meaningful out of tragedy is what heals us.

Every day when I took the short drive to the hospital to see my daughter, the jacaranda trees were dropping purple blooms into the wind. Their petals painted the streets in sheets of vibrant lavender. That soothing shade of purple will always be my daughter’s color - in my eyes.

This weekend my daughter turns 15. When I wake up most mornings, I write. Every day, I take out my pencil and sketchbook. This week, we made a cake together: chocolate cake filled with raspberries. When we look out the kitchen window, the flowers are blooming from seeds my husband planted. For her birthday we bought her a sketchbook for her fashion design creations, yarn because she has taught herself how to crochet, and fashion books to inspire her. Because we know if there is one thing that will save her in life, it will be her art.

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I went on vacation to Port Townsend in Washington with my childhood best friend. We walked the coastline to find a place called Glass Beach. I stumbled upon this rock that looked just like a whale’s tale. I tucked it in my pocket along with some drift wood. It brings the magic of the sea into my living room. It reminds me how we sat on the side of a building eating lunch behind a bush to avoid the violent winds - and we became 15 year old girls all over again as we laughed and traded containers of food. Or when we went to the farmer’s market and bought hand cream that smelled like roses and dreamt of the things we would love to make one day. Found objects in nature make the best souvenirs.

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Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty

“Birds in flight fascinate me. I admire eagles and falcons. I’m inspired by a feather but also its color, its graphics, its weightlessness and is engineering. It’s so elaborate. In fact I try and transpose the beauty of a bird to women.” - Alexander McQueen

It is fascinating to see how artists interpret the natural world. How being inspired by nature and its many forms, surfaces in an artist’s medium of choice. In this case, fashion. My husband bought this book for my daughter for her birthday. Alexander McQueen says, “I have always loved the mechanics of nature and to a greater or lesser extent my work is always informed by that.” The feathers of a bird or shells found on the beach become part of the very item that adorns his clothing. However, the biggest takeaway in this beautiful book is how all his work is informed by his human experience. He just uses fashion as his medium. His expression. How when we tap into who we are as human beings, we can channel that through what we chose to place in our hands. I think as artists we all hope to get to a place that we generate art that is our interpretation of our own life experience. While we cannot avoid influence and inspiration, we can find that place in ourselves that is our own truth.